Holiday Loss-Grieving During the Holidays

The holidays always appear to be such a blissful and exciting time of the year. As families gather together and make plans for the biggest holidays that will be celebrated towards the end of the year, hope for the future is endless. It is that hope that is destroyed when tragedy strikes due to unexpected death by murder, suicide or natural causes. It is at this moment that you are hit with the reality that tomorrow or the next hour is never promised to anyone.

As I was watching the news about the 4 Idaho students being killed in their dorms and the other 3 football players were killed, I became numb to the feeling of death because it was happening at such a rapid rate. I thought I was immune to it because I prayed daily for my family and I felt that we could escape death's door during the holidays. Unfortunately, it arrived at such an unexpected time.

On November 19, I received a phone call from a family member that one of my favorite cousins had unexpectedly passed away that morning. I called my mom. She then told my sister. For a moment I stood in my kitchen to take the news in. It didn't hit me yet. I had plans throughout the day to go holiday shopping. As I began my shopping, emotions began to wave over me and I couldn't control the tears that were streaming down my face while walking down the aisles of the At Home store. My body felt weak and out of place. What the hell was going on? I was confused. I drove home. I sobbed in my pillow. How could one of my favorite cousins die at the tender age of 39? He had kids. He had a partner. His parents were still alive. He was close with his brothers. He was a cousin and a joy to be around. WHY WHY WHY????!!!!

For two days I cried. Then I tried to do what I've done in the past (before therapy) which was sweep my feelings deep within my soul and try to not handle the pain and disappointment. However, when you address certain things in therapy, you no longer handle problems and pain like you used to. I received information of the funeral arrangements and I went. I dreaded the day of saying goodbye. It didn't make sense but I know I had to do. On the day of the funeral, I walked to my cousin's casket and cried. I cried through the whole service. Flew home the same day and went to sleep.

The next morning is what surprisingly hit me. I woke up and tried to do my daily routine (pray, read the bible and take notes, eat breakfast and get ready for work). But as I opened up my bible, I began to cry. I realized that I was mourning. Mourning for a soul that was lost a few days before Thanksgiving. Mourning for a person whose relationship I cherished. Mourning for my cousin who I will never get to hug again or say I love you when I begin to leave the house from holiday gatherings. I was mourning for a soul that cracked jokes on everyone and had a genuine heart.

Not I was, I am mourning! And unfortunately, I have to feel my emotions from this tragic loss just like the rest of my family. It hits worst when its during the holiday because the memory will forever be ingrained in your head that during this time, this is what we lost.

What I wanted us to escape we now have to face, with sorrow, confusion but also faith and strength that God will see us through. And there will be many times that everyone will be angry and feel robbed of this loss and I must say, I don't blame them at all. Loss of life is hard, especially when it is someone who had a massive positive affect of loved ones and friends. And it is now in this moment that I have sympathy and empathy for people who have lost loved ones tragically and unexpectedly during the holiday season. Sometimes God will allow this to happen to help you understand that this cannot escape anyone and that prayer is needed for everyone when these situations arise. It is extremely important not to become numb to tragedy for it can hit you at anytime, and while some people learn to deal with it and live through it, others have a hard time bouncing back from it. When you are aware of these situations: love, patience, kindness, prayer, and fasting is necessary for all people involved and for the healing that everyone needs. This is especially needed during the holidays!

Though the holidays are still a moment where I look forward to telling my favorite people I love them and snapping pics, I am also going have a place in my heart for the ones I can no longer hold anymore. During this time, if you are like me, dealing with a similar situation, my best advice is to never rush the process of grieving the death of a loved one. I learned, after my uncle died, that the 1st year is always the hardest. It is full of emotional rollercoasters, questions, tears while shopping. sometimes unplanned lash outs, isolation, and more. It is the beginning of the adjustment period of something different. And it will never feel good. I am thankful for the people in my life who have checked on me and supported me. But I am also thankful to be that for my cousin's immediate family because they deserve to have that cushion to lean on when there are days that need their hearts held and voices heard for their pain.

This is hard! This is beyond hard. The only thing I can do now is pray for the family, feel my emotions and allow myself the time to mourn...for there is a season for everything under the sun. To my cousin, Adrian Mathies, thank you and I love you. Until we meet again!

P.S. Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, and Happy Kwanzaa and any other holidays that are happening during this time.