Finishing Last ( A Sarah Moment)

#sarah #christianblogs #womeninchrist #waitingseason

Imagine being the first born, but you are always finishing last. My life has been mirroring this sentiment for now 32 years. Let me just say, this concept finally came to mind last night and the tears began to flow as I spoke to God about this.

Since I was a little girl, learning how to do simple task took me a little more time than others. I had a hard time learning how to read in school, so my mother got me resources like, Hooked on Phonics, in order for my reading to improve. I began to read more books and was intrigued with storytelling and writing. I struggled in other subjects in school like Math and Science. I would love to tell you that I eventually excelled after some time, but I did not. As I struggled and took time to master certain subjects, my younger siblings excelled with no problems. It makes you wonder.... what was wrong with me? This began to become a pattern in my life. Here are more examples.

One example I remember specifically was taking driver's ed class with my younger brother. We went through the Sears program and I had a phenomenal teacher. The first part of the course, while learning how to actually drive (I almost hit a pole) we had to pass the written test. I failed the 1st time. In order to receive my permit, I had to pass it the 2nd time or I was going to have to repeat the class all over again. Thankfully, my younger brother was there with me. I barely passed the second time but I'm surprised that I even passed (I have never been a good test taker). The second example would be me going to college. It took me almost 7 years to graduate with my Bachelor's degree. With my Master's, I had to repeat a course because it was a struggle for me. And even when I think about my career, while all of my friends were thriving and starting in their careers, it took me almost 10 years before I finally started full time working in the Sports & Entertainment industry. All I could think about was how I was severely behind in my journey to the people around me and the ones I grew up with.

This journey made me have a pivotal moment with God last night with tears and asking, "Why do I always finish last?," It was something that even weighed on my heart when it came to love because I was in the same place again. As everyone around me is in thriving fulfilling relationships, I am yet alone and the last one to follow. Though I prayed and cried about it, I have yet to receive an answer. Somewhere I feel lost about this because I have no wisdom behind this situation. About two months ago, a friend of mine told me that when she was reading her devotional, I reminded her of Sarah. That message came back to me last night. When I tell you that I cried because I know how much Sarah suffered in waiting, I could not believe this was me. Though she did receive a great blessing in the end, it still doesn't negate the pain she felt feeling like she was last to receive any gift that everyone else received. Because when you are last, all you are told is timing is everything. But people don't understand that they are speaking from a place of privilege and sometimes not having to go through as many trials and tribulations just receive a blessing that you have been desiring for.

It is always easy to speak from a place where you have never been through the fire and/or waiting season. Some often speak from a place of privilege or places that they have not had to be refined or purified by The Lord in a certain matter. So, when we encourage others during a waiting season for a gift, we have to think about where we have come from and if it can resonate with the ones we are encouraging. I can honestly say, in every aspect of my life, from grade school, to career, to friendships, and to love, being the last one has always been a thing. And I don't know if God is trying to produce the fruit patience out of me from the Holy Spirit, but honestly it has been a hard road. I wish Sarah could come speak to me now as I navigate this road of patience of what may or may not come because sometimes when God does not speak, it leaves me in sadness and being lost. And this is where the place of surrender happens and letting go of expectations.

If you are in this same situation, please understand two things: 1.) You are not alone. This happens to many people and there is nothing that we have done that makes this punishment for us. 2.) Praying about it will release the heaviness from your heart on it. I won't say it will change the situation, but it will change how it weighs on you. I hope my vulnerable moment will help someone out who may be dealing with this same thing. I hope one day, I will receive the answer that I am looking for. Until then, stay encouraged and know that you are loved, special, and important. I am still reminded that God loves still loves me and He still loves you!

Love,

Chevy <3