Heal the Hidden

Disclaimer: Hey!!! I do apologize for being gone for so long but there has been A LOT that has happened that really flipped my world upset down! Some parts of this blog were very emotional to type out but I hope it reaches someone and touches their heart, with love!

About two months ago, I suffered from a loss of a person that I loved (and currently still do) that I had dated for quite awhile. The ending of everything was devastating in a new way to me. I had so many questions that went unanswered and began putting the blame on myself. The uncomfortable feeling of being rejected was ever present and because I don't like pain, I didn't know how to shake it.

On the other side of the world, a family member of mine was dealing with a similar situation but the pain I could bare, she could not. My cousin committed suicide in her mid 30s with the trauma her children will deal with for the rest of their life. When I received the story from my mom, I connected with this family member. That could have been me. As I thought plenty of times how maybe I was not good enough to keep something, as a partnership, because the problem was always me, I resonated with her story. My insecurities arose and I started to revert back to my old ones....dating out of pain.

During this time, trying to wrap my head around what happened, a fire was also lit in me. I felt like, what could I do to prove to myself that I am not who I think I am and what purpose do I have? Through my therapy sessions, my therapist had me do an assignment that made me focus on what I truly wanted to do with my life. What did I feel was my purpose? As I was lying in my bed, my purpose hit my heart. It was a revelation I knew all along. Since then, I have not stopped to sit down.

I started auditioning for films, started writing screen plays, figuring where I wanted to move to in the next year, attending an actor's boot camp and so much more. I was really activated during this time to not only invest in me but also recognize the things that I was holding back within myself. I was pursuing a relationship but was about to leave myself behind. My pain pushed for my purpose and now I am on a roll and cannot be stopped. LOL I LOVE IT HERE!

And as I take a moment to acknowledge all of this, I remember hearing my pastor say a few Sundays ago, "You can't heal what you keep trying to hide." I tried to hide so much that I thought it could be covered up in a relationship. I tried to cover up: my loneliness, my lack of a career, my insecurities, my laziness and my thirst for my family. Only to be pushed to address these things when the relationship was over. During this time I was away from writing blogs, I actually visited my dad's side of the family for the first time in years. I have to say, it was one of the best, blessed things that could of ever happened. My insecurities have been addressed and I realize that I am way better than what I make myself out to be. This caused me to fix my resume and really pursue a career instead of short siding myself with jobs I was just applying to because I played myself so small. I healed my loneliness and started enjoying my alone time with prayer, reading and also spending time with new people. I was opening up more to meeting people because I new it was beneficial for me. The biggest change of it all, I started speaking up for myself! This is huge because I always felt like I could not have a voice because I was scared of the repercussions. But I had to realize that I would rather stand up for myself and deal with the aftermath than not say anything at all and suffer in silence. Suffering in silence has caused me so much pain and I have battled with physical and mental illnesses because of it. It was time to heal! For all these things were created during my childhood that spilled over into adulthood. It affected the way that I talked to people, how I maneuvered in dating relationships, how I applied for jobs and more. The hurt that I was trying to hide had to end with me!

Now looking back, was that pain (the somewhat breakup) necessary?! When looking at the bigger picture.....YES! It caused me to heal some parts that I knew were still there, trying to hide them, but they always came to the surface in a weird way. And let me tell you, God will make you move and grow, in one way or another. I am grateful now for that breakup because I am able to focus on the rest of my life that needs to be healed and restored. My career is moving in a positive way. I believe in myself more to the point where my confidence has boosted 100%. Because of that, I filmed a movie and am going to film another one towards the end of the year. I am in a more peaceful state of mind. I wish the peaceful state of mind I could have shared with my cousin.

I wish I could have shared all of this with my cousin. I wish she could have trusted there was going to be healing and joy on the other side. I wish she could have saw the woman that she could be in another 20s if she healed from this situation. I wish I would have covered her in prayer. I wish she saw the example of me so then she could find the strength to move forward. Maybe if she knew, she would still be here today. May her soul live on and the love and presence that she had be forever felt by family and friends. And that is why, I share my story with you all. For my journey is not my own, but also for the ones who come behind me or walk with me, who may suffer through the same things as me but at a different time in their journey. May you always know and acknowledge that it is best to heal now and not hide anything. Healing allows for growth within you and for love to move through you to others. Once your light is lit it attracts others so then they want to light up the world just like you. Uncover the hidden so you can release it and heal within you. You will be surprised how your life will transition!

Love,

Chevy