From Insecurity to Validation

I must admit, I had a major "ah ha" moment last weekend with a particular situation. This moment was related to dating and how my desires were really fueled by two things: validation and insecurity. As an old person from the past showed up, my healing journey came to a halt due to this individual's presence. Unfortunately, I allowed the individual to over stay his position in my life...even with no invitation in the beginning from me, and I had to ask myself "why?"

The answer was simple.... I was attracted to him because of my insecurities. The ones that were secretly running my life through my adolescent years and spilled over to adulthood. And adolescent years are the prime years where your development of who you are and how you feel about yourself truly begins to blossom but during this time, you are also made aware of your differences from others. But it's the bigger insecurities/secret battles that we have with our confidence and self worth that creeps into our dating lives and force us to attract and be in relationships with the wrong people. Sometimes these insecurities are born out of the hearts of family members, friends, strangers, classmates, teachers, etc. and is said to us to bring us and our self confidence down which then makes us constantly question if we are worthy of such good things in our lives.

In my case, I was always attracted to the popular and super attractive guys in school. One of the major reasons I wanted to date them was because I was hoping they found me to be super attractive. The problem was I never believed it myself because I was never made aware of my own beauty growing up, so I thought I lacked it. In order to feel that I was beautiful, I was hoping to get with one of the good looking guys to prove that I was.

The second insecurity that was constantly present was the desire for attention. This was mainly because I felt that no one ever saw the true me and believed I was valuable. I never felt worthy enough due to my parents' divorce and my father choosing not to come after me to even be in my life. So, unconsciously, I sought out certain men to validate me. In the end, it never worked! And I was always left picking up the pieces to a broken heart and bruised ego. But as I have spent time with myself and gone through therapy over the years, I realized that I don't want validation anymore and I took the time to work on my insecurities. During those times I realized who I truly was and what I wanted for myself and out of a romantic partner. And it was at that "ah ha" moment that I was aware that I no longer desired the person from my past because my insecurity had lost control. This was eye opening!

The statement is true: Who we attract is a reflection of ourselves. Our partners can rather be a reflection of our pain, things we feel we lack (insecurities) or the exact reflection of our good hearts. Who you choose depends on who you are and if you have tackled the very insecurities that have haunted you during younger years. Everyone has their own insecurities but it is not wise to choose a partner who you feel will validate you because you can't validate yourself. In the future, the situation will never turn out the way you want it to.

Always remember, your good qualities are memorable. Your insecurities can be worked on and no matter what anyone told you; you are absolutely valuable and uniquely beautiful. You don't need validation to prove you are worthy, for it will constantly destroy you along with the people whose hands you put your validation in. Remember, no one's perfect but the greatest individuals are the ones who are growing, healing, and moving past the noise of their insecurities.

And surprisingly, that's me.....moving past the noise... and the man whose validation is irrelevant!

Sincerely,

Your lovely writer